Post maternity leave, I have been adapting to the baby/PhD balance. I’ve identified 5 stages which I’ve experienced (sometime within one hour!) as a PhD parent
1. Disbelief: This step didn’t appear for a few weeks as I was too busy revelling in the simple joy of being able eat my lunch and go to the toilet in peace but once the steady stream of colds from the hot bed of disease aka nursery began, I really felt the pressure. I am not exaggerating when I say that it.is.constant. You weep at a sneeze because you know that it will mean no nursery, minimum of 3 days of virtually no sleep and waiting for them to go to sleep so that you can frantically get on with some work. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the emotional impact of having a poorly baby. Even if it’s just a cold, I’m sure that it’s some kind of biological programming to protect my young that kicks in which make it very difficult to concentrate on PhD stuff. A different kind of programming draws me to my academic baby, forcing me to leave my snotty baby with her Daddy and get on with some work.
2. Guilt: I’ve always been very proud of my compartmentalisation skills but this takes the biscuit. The main problem is that there is not enough time to do everything that I want to do in order to fulfil, what I consider to be, the criteria for the ideal mother and PhD student. It’s impossible. While playing with baby, there is this constant nagging guilt that I should be working and vice-versa. It is a pointless and negative cycle which serves no purpose; I haven’t figured out what to do with it yet.
3. Misery: Just as a PhD without a baby, there are moments where I feel like it’s just all too much. Like there are just not enough hours in the day, that I’m not good enough, that the PhD is taking too long, that someone else would do a better job of it and that I’m not spending enough time with baby. Uff. On these days, it helps me to think my baby knows that she is adored, that everyone feels like this sometimes and that tomorrow is another day. And beer. Also beer.
4. Bargaining: This stage involves the whole family. Partners, grandparents, aunties and uncles (and even neighbours if you can get them to take the bait). Bribery would be a better title. I’ve had to become very wily with favours, even making it sound like their idea. Please feel free to use the following example
Me: (sigh) Little one is growing up so fast. She can now (insert new trick here)
Aunty: Can she?? I can’t wait to see her
Me: Oh? Why don’t you come over for lunch this weekend and you can take her for a walk…
thus configuring a whole hour of uninterrupted PhD time, skilfully circumnavigating the aforementioned guilt, safe in the knowledge that your little one is enjoying herself. It’s at this point that it’s necessary to mention that this baby rearing lark is a team sport. The more people that you can get on board for support the better. This has also applied to my PhD. Supportive family and supervisors are making the whole experience not only more pleasant but also more fruitful. Being able to openly express what is and is not feasible without fear of retribution, is crucial. My supervisors and family do an amazing job of performing their roles, making it easier for me to do mine. i.e. getting a PhD. It only leaves the tricky question of where to find the hours which often involves some creative thinking.
5. Multitasking and working creatively: I feel like having a baby has made me work more efficiently. Time has taken on new meaning and I am able to switch between tasks in a way that I was never able to do before. Reading articles while baby sleeps in the sling. Or working before she wakes up (that has literally never happened) or when she’s gone to bed. Mentally making changes to my thesis whilst playing with baby. I just hope that she doesn’t pick up on the “lights on but nobody’s home” smile that I fix on my face while I’m doing it…or worse, that she learns it and gives it right back to me.
Acceptance! Everything’s fine! At the end of the day, I have a gorgeous little person and I’m working on a topic that matters to me which feels like a privilege. Yes, it’s hard work, yes, I feel like my house will never be clean again, yes, I survive on less sleep than I thought possible but it is possible as demonstrated by the mighty PhD parents that came before me. I feel like its a worthwhile endeavour and think that it’ll be the making of me. In fact, I have a suspicion that I will look back very fondly on these exhausting but satisfying days.
Academic Newbie Musings 